6.12.09

A momentary lapse of freedom (*)

The road was glistening wet. Heavy clouds on the sky, and the sun can't really bother coming out for the moment. He drags his feet like an automaton, giving orders out loud to his brain. Left foot forward, right foot forward.

"I'll do it, it's the end. I've had enough of this. I wanted to do other things with my life and I'm stuck with her and the brats. I don't even know if they are mine."

A small voice says: no, how can you say that?
Shut up, small voice.

And he goes on:

"She's fucked around so much she's probably still doing it behind my back. That time I was away for this training, probably then, too. I wanted to become a painter. Wanted to travel. I have to look after myself, get my dreams in order. She never needed me, it was all for the money and the status. I bet she stopped taking the pill so she could snare me. "

After walking for two blocks he already feels better.

"It was not her fault, after all. A simple misunderstanding. Staying for the kids. She said it was only a fling. Just sex, nothing special. I should know, I've had a share of them too. I mean, men are allowed to do so, it's in their nature after all. "

The small voice gets louder

"You don't love her anymore. That love you had has been replaced by a total and irreparable habit. Yes, she's like a habit you can't quit. Like smoking. You are used to her. Plus, you have the spine of a jelly, and can't admit that you are a coward and can't bother to quit it. Not that she's any better. Staying for the kids, what crap!"

Shut up, small voice.

He goes back home, wondering what she has cooked for dinner.


(*)Title adapted from Pink Floyd's album A momentary lapse of reason.

There's an unceasing wind that blows through this night
And there's dust in my eyes, that blinds my sight
And silence that speaks so much louder that words,
Of promises broken